A Granddaughter's Scar

Ate Kim-Kim and Lolo Paping.
This is the only and the last photo that
I've ever had with my Lolo.

October 22, 2008 at around 6:30PM, my grandfather Pablo "Paping" Gabito Punay had his last breath. The room was filled with silence. Tears fell. Me? I wasn't there. Probably, I was still 20-30 Km away.

It was the worst day for all of us. The worst for me. Horrible if I must say. I never had the chance to say what I got to say to my Lolo. All he ever did was to do the best for all of us - his children, grandchildren, and whoever comes to him and ask for his help. He was the BEST, definitely.

That day was the worst day of my life. The bus I was riding had blown off its tire. It took a long while before the driver and his assistant could fix it. I just sat inside the bus, waiting...while my Lolo is having a very hard time catching his breath.

By the time I arrived home, I threw all my bags and walked immediately to my Lolo's house with my mother and sister. I don't even remember saying "Hi" to them.

When we reached my Lolo's house, everyone was calm. My Lolo was laid down on his bed. Believe it or not, when I came to his side, I didn't even know that he already passed away. I sat beside him and touched his hair. All I could say was, "Lo" with a smile on my face. For that moment, I was indeed happy; for a very long time of waiting to see my Lolo, at last! I'm with the greatest grandfather in the whole world!

I watched him for a moment. I waited for him to take a breath. My cousin have told me before that his breathing interval takes longer; and so I waited.  However, after a while I noticed, he really wasn't breathing at all. Then, from a distance, I heard my uncle saying "Around 6:30 PM..."

I sat still. No tear came from my eyes. I don't know how to react to the news I've heard. I realized he was cold and lifeless. Then I said, "Lo, why didn't you wait for me...?". I was very disappointed and so I went to the other house. There sat my father and my aunt. They were both crying. I had to control myself not to shed tears. I don't know what I was thinking that time. All I know was, I had to be strong. My heart felt like being torn to pieces. I could hardly believe that my Lolo is really gone and it's my fault why I haven't said "Goodbye" to him. I went out because I felt like I'm out of air. I couldn't breath.

Just days before, I asked God to give me a chance to bid goodbye to my Lolo before he dies. I asked him to let my Lolo live until Wednesday (October 22, 2008). Yes, he did gave me that chance; however, I didn't go home as early as possible. I was supposed to take a ride home that morning before he passed away. But I didn't. I waited for my cousin, Charisse. We agreed to go home together after she gets enrolled. But I guess fate wasn't with us. She failed to enroll earlier than we thought she would have. She wasn't even able to enroll on that day. There were technical problems with her school's enrollment system. So, I decided to go ahead. To my luck, the bus' tire got blown off in front of ABS-CBN.

I didn't know what to think; but no matter how I try to see the brighter side, I couldn't stop myself from thinking..."What if I had left earlier?"... I could have hugged my Lolo and tell him how much I love him. I could have told him how thankful and lucky I am to be his granddaughter. All I can say is "I could have...". I could have said sorry.

I failed my Lolo, I failed God, and I failed myself. It was all me. It was all my fault. Because of my stupid decisions, my Lolo left without hearing a word from me. I really hate myself for what happened. Until now, I couldn't find peace of mind because the memory of my failed actions. God, please help me get over with this.

This Christmas is the second season to celebrate without our Lolo. It could have been better if he's still with us. I guess we just have to get used to it because no matter what we do, he's never coming back.

We love you Lo. I'm missing you so much already. I missed your old stories during World War II. Even if you just keep on repeating every scene, I've always enjoyed listening to your stories - as long as I'm with you.

You're not just a soldier to the Filipino people Lo.You are my hero, our hero. You'll always be the best Lolo in the whole wide world. Wherever you are, I pray only happiness and peace for you. I love you. May God be with you always!!!